DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
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We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.