Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
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they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.