@captainkalvis

Date: I think I’ll have the chopped salad

Me [just took my first karate class]: just get a normal salad *points to hand* I’ll take care of the rest

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@aotakeo

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

@EtobicokeErnie

If your wife asks what would you do without me?

ENJOY MY LIFE is not the correct answer

@VikeeysSecret

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

@Reverend_Scott

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

@TheTonyHowell

My wife just told me to go to hell, anyone else need anything from Walmart?

@GrowlyGrego

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R