Date: I think I’ll have the chopped salad

Me [just took my first karate class]: just get a normal salad *points to hand* I’ll take care of the rest

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Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.


me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up


Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…


Do you wanna hold hands?

– me, about to be bitten by a raccoon.


Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.


[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]


My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.


My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.


Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.