DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Date: I think I’ll have the chopped salad
Me [just took my first karate class]: just get a normal salad *points to hand* I’ll take care of the rest
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If your wife asks what would you do without me?
ENJOY MY LIFE is not the correct answer
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”
Doing your job.
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
My wife just told me to go to hell, anyone else need anything from Walmart?
Me high af: are you in line?
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”