Date: I think I’ll have the chopped salad

Me [just took my first karate class]: just get a normal salad *points to hand* I’ll take care of the rest

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DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?


ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it


If your wife asks what would you do without me?

ENJOY MY LIFE is not the correct answer


“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”


“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*


My wife just told me to go to hell, anyone else need anything from Walmart?


[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R