@captainkalvis

Date: I think I’ll have the chopped salad

Me [just took my first karate class]: just get a normal salad *points to hand* I’ll take care of the rest

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@StephenKing

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

@stefabsky

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

@djdarrellripley

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

@Sleinso

Do you wanna hold hands?

– me, about to be bitten by a raccoon.

@ObscureGent

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

@HatfieldAnne

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

@AndyAsAdjective

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

@TheBoydP

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.