@captainkalvis

Date: I think I’ll have the chopped salad

Me [just took my first karate class]: just get a normal salad *points to hand* I’ll take care of the rest

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@GabbbarSingh

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.

@RachelNoise

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir

@fro_vo

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

@NeinQuarterly

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

@SexyInsomniac

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

@sixfootcandy

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

@FU_TangClan

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options