People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Date: I think I’ll have the chopped salad
Me [just took my first karate class]: just get a normal salad *points to hand* I’ll take care of the rest
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Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options