Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
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are they though??
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Me driving through Toronto
I thought this was funny lol
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn