If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
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A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.