There is no “we” in pizza
date: i think my eyebrows are my worst feature
me: [trying to compliment her] not true, you have many worse features
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BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
My personal tradition at every wedding I go to is to wish the bride and groom happy birthday
UFO: *lands on my lawn
Me: *peeking through blinds* better not kill my grass
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Yeah officer, I was speeding, but I was doing it sarcastically.
Does the “Dirty Dancing” lift to the pizza delivery guy.
[god inventing cows]
angels: *nodding* cheese