@NOTVIKING

date: i think my eyebrows are my worst feature

me: [trying to compliment her] not true, you have many worse features

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@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

@dafloydsta

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

@mattingebretson

My personal tradition at every wedding I go to is to wish the bride and groom happy birthday

@ThaJawn

UFO: *lands on my lawn

Me: *peeking through blinds* better not kill my grass

@pinapl

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

@mrjohndarby

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese