Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
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who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend