DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
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WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
relationship goals
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.