DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
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Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”