DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
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Raisins are grape jerky.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.