DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
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Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
What’s a Messi?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
twitter users today:
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!