DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
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I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
(2022)
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
the clam before the storm
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child