*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
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Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I wish there was a show called “Lifestyles of the Twitter Famous” so we could all see how nice your mom’s basement is.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
“I’m not racist, but,” -Racists
“dad mom wont tell me where babies come from”
*dad slams newspaper down*
DAMN THAT WOMAN & HER SECRETS
WHY WONT SHE TELL US
“DO NOT TOUCH” must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille