date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
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The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.