@prufrockluvsong

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

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@wife_housy

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

@AbbieEvansXO

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

@leslid79

I wish there was a show called “Lifestyles of the Twitter Famous” so we could all see how nice your mom’s basement is.

@FakeDeanAccount

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

@EJGomez

“dad mom wont tell me where babies come from”
*dad slams newspaper down*
DAMN THAT WOMAN & HER SECRETS
*clenches fists*
WHY WONT SHE TELL US

@iatemuggles

“DO NOT TOUCH” must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille