@DurtMcHurtt

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

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@AdamBroud

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

@jake_lach

Apparently, if she’s refused to speak to you for two days your text should not be ‘Why are you mad again?’

@JeremyKCMO

Wifi- Are you comfortable? Like really comfortable?
Me- Yeah, why?
Wifi- BYE

@GreenishDuck

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

@TheRolo

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

@deanjthompson

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

@QwertyJones3

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test