DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
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[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
This classic never gets old . . .
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.