I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
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Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Monday?
No. Next question.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
plant them where lol
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!