So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
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when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.