date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
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Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I have a type: disappointing
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Tuesday
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal