DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
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hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
#polloftheday
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I’ll be mad as hell!
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
This is my brand.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*