Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
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Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
[opens door for two Jehovah’s witnesses]
Ugh…ok come in. The goat blood is in a vial on the table. I’ll get the virgin from the basement.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Not to brag but this time I checked to see if there was paper on the roll BEFORE sitting on the toilet
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Did you know that you can get kicked out of a gym for using a laser to point out areas people should work on?
Well, you can.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”