@samdunsiger

Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

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@OctopusCaveman

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

@realHamOnWry

My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’

@akerfoot

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

@I_Bl33d_Purple

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

@pleatedjeans

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

@delome10

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

@TheCatWhisprer

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

@fro_vo

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

@HTXBlonde

“It’s funny how red, white, and blue represents freedom until it’s your rear view mirror flashing behind you.”

@buttsword

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us