Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@shadenfreude5

Stop rating olive oils on their level of promiscuity

@wildethingy

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

@Renie_Rivas

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

@dxblarssonENG

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE RAISING A CAT ARMY.

@anthonyzach

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

@PoshTick

time traveller: what’s wrong

me: i just failed college

time traveller: 2nd or 3rd time

me: firs- wait what

@CourtneyBale

Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.

@_youhadonejob1

This is savage.

@RealDMK

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min