Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

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My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.


My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’


By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers


If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.


[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]


Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.


People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.


Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear


“It’s funny how red, white, and blue represents freedom until it’s your rear view mirror flashing behind you.”


women dont read this…
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us