Stop rating olive oils on their level of promiscuity
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE RAISING A CAT ARMY.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
time traveller: what’s wrong
me: i just failed college
time traveller: 2nd or 3rd time
me: firs- wait what
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
This is savage.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min