Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
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Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
WTF
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…