Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
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I’m not paranoid, but I feel like there’s someone reading this…
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
lady: you can’t do that
me: *pulling baby out of dryer* no it’s cool I know the owner
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Apparently there’s this Pokemon character that’s a pile of garbage with a face so now I’m famous I guess.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.