Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
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It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
.. do you even science?
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
excuse me
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.