@Ideal_Victoria

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

You Might Also Like

@ilovepie84

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

@rage_chaos

I’m not paranoid, but I feel like there’s someone reading this…

@Hobo_Splendido

[laundromat]

lady: you can’t do that

me: *pulling baby out of dryer* no it’s cool I know the owner

@GrantTanaka

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

@NikkiGlaser

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

@k_lli

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

@just1fool

Apparently there’s this Pokemon character that’s a pile of garbage with a face so now I’m famous I guess.

@diaruba74

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.