@Lerky
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
@thatdutchperson
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
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@Lerky
@chuuew
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
@ThaJawn
*puts a gun against a magician’s back
Me and you are going to get all the quarters, from behind all the ears
@Storminika
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
@GrantTanaka
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
@Jake_Vig
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
@The_Jokurrr
One man’s red flag is another man’s batsignal.
@lmwortho
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
@ndiquote
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
@WhaJoTalkinBout
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.