I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
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OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
*puts a gun against a magician’s back
Me and you are going to get all the quarters, from behind all the ears
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
One man’s red flag is another man’s batsignal.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.