@thatdutchperson

DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*

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@Lerky

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

@chuuew

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

@ThaJawn

*puts a gun against a magician’s back

Me and you are going to get all the quarters, from behind all the ears

@Storminika

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

@GrantTanaka

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

@Jake_Vig

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

@lmwortho

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

@ndiquote

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.