I wish I was from Finland so when people asked if I was Finnish I could say “no, in fact, I’m just getting started”
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
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England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Thanks for throwing that tantrum now I see the error of my ways.
said no parent ever.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend
Me: we just have such a close connection, you know? It feels like she could finish all of my sentences
Warden: that is absolutely not how this works
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…