DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
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BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
so i’m at the stock market right
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me