DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*

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I wish I was from Finland so when people asked if I was Finnish I could say “no, in fact, I’m just getting started”


so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk


Thanks for throwing that tantrum now I see the error of my ways.

said no parent ever.


Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol


*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*


when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend


Me: we just have such a close connection, you know? It feels like she could finish all of my sentences

Warden: that is absolutely not how this works


Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”


Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…