People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
You Might Also Like
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I love art.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store