Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
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Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
is this meant to deter me
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Donkey Kong sommelier
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.