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WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love