Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
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eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
My Plans 2020
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?