@smithsara79

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

You Might Also Like

@AndyAsAdjective

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

@robin_991

I just accidentally read โ€œFederalโ€ as โ€œFeralโ€ and it made zero difference to the article.

@rickygervais

Suggested Thanksgiving Conversation starters: “Which God are we thanking again?”
You’re welcome ๐Ÿ™‚

@iwearpajamas

I’ve been working on a new type of martial arts that involves the taking of money from Hispanics.

TakeJuan’sdough.

@jackiembouvier

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

@mattgallo123

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

@Divergentmama

As my kids get older, I am more convinced that drinking water fixes everything.

Have a stomachache – drink some water
Have a headache – you really need to drink more water
Bear attack on the way to school – I bet the bear was dehydrated, here have a glass of water

@BitterKrust

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”