Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@AndyAsAdjective

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

@robin_991

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

@rickygervais

Suggested Thanksgiving Conversation starters: “Which God are we thanking again?”
You’re welcome 🙂

@iwearpajamas

I’ve been working on a new type of martial arts that involves the taking of money from Hispanics.

TakeJuan’sdough.

@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

@jackiembouvier

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

@mattgallo123

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

@Divergentmama

As my kids get older, I am more convinced that drinking water fixes everything.

Have a stomachache – drink some water
Have a headache – you really need to drink more water
Bear attack on the way to school – I bet the bear was dehydrated, here have a glass of water

@PeachCoffin

I just ran a .003048K

@BitterKrust

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”