Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

You Might Also Like


“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.


I just accidentally read โ€œFederalโ€ as โ€œFeralโ€ and it made zero difference to the article.


Suggested Thanksgiving Conversation starters: “Which God are we thanking again?”
You’re welcome ๐Ÿ™‚


I’ve been working on a new type of martial arts that involves the taking of money from Hispanics.



Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.


People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”


As my kids get older, I am more convinced that drinking water fixes everything.

Have a stomachache – drink some water
Have a headache – you really need to drink more water
Bear attack on the way to school – I bet the bear was dehydrated, here have a glass of water


“Does this hurt?”
“What about this?”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”