@smithsara79

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

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@clarkekant

I can’t stand it when people don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so stupid.

@murrman5

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

@JimmerThatisAll

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

@dumbbeezie

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

@justokdane

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

@bourgeoisalien

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

@RudeFunPillow

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

@DaddyWithTwins

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

@truegritrumble

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”