@continentlbkfst

date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke

You Might Also Like

@ItsAndyRyan

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

@notalogin

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

@AimeeHelene1

It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.

@ChrisStokdyk

“PSST.”

It came from my waffles.

“PSST,” again.

“What?” I ask, furtively.

“You look really nice today.”

Complimentary Breakfast

@aotakeo

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

@Mish3l_Ali

Girls can be so ungrateful, I made her breakfast in bed, & instead of saying “Thank You”, she’s all like “How did you get into my house!”

@KevinFarzad

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

@gerryhatric

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

@PlainTravis

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.