Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
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I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
It came from my waffles.
“What?” I ask, furtively.
“You look really nice today.”
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Girls can be so ungrateful, I made her breakfast in bed, & instead of saying “Thank You”, she’s all like “How did you get into my house!”
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.