Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
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Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story