date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

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ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf


My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’


some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon


“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that


“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years


Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years


An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car


If I had the power to time travel, I would mostly just use it to stop past me from eating stuff from the fridge that I’d like to eat now.


I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.