date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
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If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably