@Home_Halfway

Date: I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore

Waldo: Oh sorry that always happens when I stand next to a barber pole

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@Jmboyd58

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

@Shesnotkiddin

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

@PhilJamesson

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

@pilau

angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine

god: murder hornets

angel: what

god: murder hornets everywhere

angel: why god

god: 2020 mf

@DrakeGatsby

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

@KyleMcDowell86

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

@hansabumsadaisy

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

@CountMackula

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk