I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Date: I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore
Waldo: Oh sorry that always happens when I stand next to a barber pole
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*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine
god: murder hornets
god: murder hornets everywhere
angel: why god
god: 2020 mf
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.
#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk