@AmericanGent69

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

@joeljeffrey

I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I’m a bit of a grammar freak.

“Can you explain?”

I don’t know, CAN I?

@Parkerlawyer

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

@randygdub

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

@pilau

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

@NoogsCorner

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

@Puncroaker

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno