@AmericanGent69

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

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@KenJennings

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

@ilovepie84

Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?

You’re welcome.

@4SLars

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

@Parkerlawyer

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

@Darlainky

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

@IchBin_Rob

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

@brotherslop

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

@ghostkrogh

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky