Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

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*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.


Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?

You’re welcome.


My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.


Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”


Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.


GPS: Take the next right.


GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…


came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.


a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky