Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
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waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life