date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
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meow
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
man: wait
time: no
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.