DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
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try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My kitchen overserved me.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”