#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
DATE: It’s expensive here.
ME: That’s okay, I’m not paying.
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I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says “Buy Nerf guns and candy”, but the adult in me says “Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy”.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I don’t wanna brag, but my therapist just told me I’m above her skill level.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook