@chrellsangel

DATE: It’s expensive here.

ME: That’s okay, I’m not paying.

You Might Also Like

@sucittaM

I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says “Buy Nerf guns and candy”, but the adult in me says “Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy”.

@WilliamAder

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

@liv_thatsme

I don’t wanna brag, but my therapist just told me I’m above her skill level.

@007Pepe_Rex

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

@FattMernandez

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

@birbigs

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

@NotthatAdamWest

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

@ddsmidt

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook