DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
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I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.