WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
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Carpe DM
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.