@notacroc

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

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@D2BMcG

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

@JoleenDoreen

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

@TheHyyyype

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

@TheRolo

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

@roboticcrab

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

@thenatewolf

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it’s a record for amount of stabs

@khook32

If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.

@jazz_inmypants

[Heaven]

Air Bud: who’s the new guy

Clifford: idk but he’s cute

[earlier that day]

Scooby Doo: *texting and driving*

@TheSofiya

Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT

@LeslieInMpls

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.