@Brampersandon_: BOSS: You forgot my birthday didn't you? ME: *lighting candle* No what gave u that idea? BOSS: idk maybe that candle stuck in a urinal cake?

@JPHaddadio: Don't spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

@allisongeroi: I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse's last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

@mattZillaaaa: Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

@TheBoydP: Friend: Let’s go to the game next week Me: Let me check my calendar Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!