Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
You Might Also Like
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Her: Can I come over right now?
Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
*mugger pulls a knife*
Mugger: gimme your money
Me: well this night took a SHARP turn
Doctor: it’s a record for amount of stabs
If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.
Air Bud: who’s the new guy
Clifford: idk but he’s cute
[earlier that day]
Scooby Doo: *texting and driving*
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.