@BatBatshitcrazy: I've reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

@Rollmaninoz: *ship enters earth atmosphere* Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on* *Ed Sheeran 'Shape Of You' plays* Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

@Tbone7219: I like to reassure my wife that even though I don't have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I'm a really loud screamer.

@oxygenplug: *you see a bear approaching* "quick play dead!" *bear runs up to you* "OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU"

@Bob_Heller: Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.