DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
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Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Wait for it
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
What personal space?
My dog
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter