Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
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st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair