DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again


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Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.


I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs


I want a horse but I’m worried I’ll just pile laundry on it


this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning


*jumping on a trampoline*

What do you mean you want full custody?


Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”


If you’ve ever wondered which of your friends loved V for Vendetta, you’re in luck today.


Sorry I burnt your degree from the University of Phoenix thinking that a better degree would rise from its ashes.


LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit


A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]