Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
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I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I want a horse but I’m worried I’ll just pile laundry on it
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
*jumping on a trampoline*
What do you mean you want full custody?
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
If you’ve ever wondered which of your friends loved V for Vendetta, you’re in luck today.
Sorry I burnt your degree from the University of Phoenix thinking that a better degree would rise from its ashes.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]