DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
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Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don鈥檛 even think about it when I鈥檓 here
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I鈥檇 have pants to match.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Being a parent is hard work, but it鈥檒l all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 馃檪
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 馃檪
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Dating profile at 26: I鈥檓 cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let鈥檚 get married.
46:
I like what I like. I鈥檓 not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it鈥檚 because someone is strangling my bicep
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
If she hides her money in her bra, that鈥檚 called a treasure chest.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?