@roxiqt

DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again

ME, AN OCTOPUS: what

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@MegsHAUSTED

Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.

@PrisonCookies

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

@ThaJawn

I want a horse but I’m worried I’ll just pile laundry on it

@ch000ch

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

@thenatewolf

*jumping on a trampoline*

What do you mean you want full custody?

@Marlebean

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

@sammyrhodes

If you’ve ever wondered which of your friends loved V for Vendetta, you’re in luck today.

@cbdoubleu

Sorry I burnt your degree from the University of Phoenix thinking that a better degree would rise from its ashes.

@bobvulfov

LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit

@PhilJamesson

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]