DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
You Might Also Like
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
How to properly lift a body
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.