DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
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Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I put the hot in psychotic.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Saint West, the patron of selfies
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.