As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
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Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
wish me luck lads
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.