@WeedlordKrillin

Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops

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@captainkalvis

DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful

ME: [trying to impress her] well my wedding is tomorrow you should come

@iQuoteComedy

If you watch the Harlem Shake backwards, it’s a video about a guy who parties longer than everyone else.

@mutedclamor

I thought this hot Egyptian chick was hitting on me but she was just trying to lure me into a pyramid scheme. 🙁

@GreyDeLisle

I’ll never be as horrified as the kid who suddenly realizes they’ve been following the wrong “mom butt” at the grocery store.

@BoomBoomBetty

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

@UncleDuke1969

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

@madswill_

TJ Maxx cashier: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

*Me unloading full cart*

First of all, I wasn’t looking for any of this

@BenBrouckaert

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

@Reverend_Scott

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.