Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops

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DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful

ME: [trying to impress her] well my wedding is tomorrow you should come


If you watch the Harlem Shake backwards, it’s a video about a guy who parties longer than everyone else.


I thought this hot Egyptian chick was hitting on me but she was just trying to lure me into a pyramid scheme. 🙁


I’ll never be as horrified as the kid who suddenly realizes they’ve been following the wrong “mom butt” at the grocery store.


Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet


WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.


TJ Maxx cashier: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

*Me unloading full cart*

First of all, I wasn’t looking for any of this


If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.


ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.