@FeelingEuphoric
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
@WeedlordKrillin
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
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@FeelingEuphoric
@byrdie_num_num
My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.
@CornOnTheGoblin
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
@DaddyJew
Her: have you had the sex talk with our son yet?
Me: *looks over at son wearing crocs* I think we can wait a few years
@SnarkyMommy78
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
@difficultpatty
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
@OhNoSheTwitnt
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
@InternetHippo
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
@aparnapkin
Have you ever heard someone honking so aggressively & for so long that you’re like “this was never about the traffic, was it, buddy?”
@HenpeckedHal
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM