@WeedlordKrillin

Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops

You Might Also Like

@wickedimproper

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

@ItsAndyRyan

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

@Book_Krazy

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

@YourMomsucksTho

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

@bobvulfov

2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

@TheDanielleRock

There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.

@DanMentos

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

@isabelzawtun

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT