[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
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My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Her: have you had the sex talk with our son yet?
Me: *looks over at son wearing crocs* I think we can wait a few years
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Have you ever heard someone honking so aggressively & for so long that you’re like “this was never about the traffic, was it, buddy?”
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM