@WeedlordKrillin

Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops

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@byrdie_num_num

My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.

@DaddyJew

Her: have you had the sex talk with our son yet?

Me: *looks over at son wearing crocs* I think we can wait a few years

@SnarkyMommy78

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

@InternetHippo

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

@aparnapkin

Have you ever heard someone honking so aggressively & for so long that you’re like “this was never about the traffic, was it, buddy?”

@HenpeckedHal

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM