DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful
ME: [trying to impress her] well my wedding is tomorrow you should come
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
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If you watch the Harlem Shake backwards, it’s a video about a guy who parties longer than everyone else.
I thought this hot Egyptian chick was hitting on me but she was just trying to lure me into a pyramid scheme. 🙁
I’ll never be as horrified as the kid who suddenly realizes they’ve been following the wrong “mom butt” at the grocery store.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
TJ Maxx cashier: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”
*Me unloading full cart*
First of all, I wasn’t looking for any of this
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.