“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
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The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.