[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
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Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Never let them know your next move 😂
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Ok but actually