Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
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God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
No regrets in 2018
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Don’t talk down to me
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars