I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
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The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
😂😂😂
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP